“This is story 8 of 9 of my Tatay’s Series. This is my way of honoring Tatay’s life and legacy. It wouldn’t be right if I DIDN’T give him his own series and avoided writing about his passing all together. But I’m also aware that this is something I need to do for myself – to put my grief, anger, and emotions all out on the table, instead of distracting myself with work and other things to avoid the reality that he’s gone.” -Marinelle, LoveYourzStory
Where do I even start to find the words to say goodbye?
It’s hard cuz I believe that you should still be here, Tatay.
Seeing your tombstone really sealed the deal in my head,
You’re gone and I’ll never see you upstairs in your bed.
This is a different kind of pain, one I saw coming,
This whole experience has been emotional but also very numbing.
It has been a reminder that anyone can be gone at the drop of a hat,
One day you’re here and the next day you can be gone just like that.
To be honest, I’m still waiting for you to show me a sign,
I know that day will come but I know it will take time.
Time for me to heal, to slowly let go of the pain and resentment I feel inside.
These many stages of grief got me up and down this wild emotional ride.
Fuck this pandemic, it took you away premature,
You were supposed to live to be 100 – that we were totally sure.
I replay your last year in my head a lot, maybe way too often,
I know it will leave me bitter with the world so I think of it with caution.
Am I too angry, too heartbroken, too emotionally solid as a rock?
Those are some of the reasons why I think my third eye is temporarily blocked.
I’m waiting for anything – a smell, an animal, a dream,
Anything to show me that you’re not as far away as it seems.
I’m desperate to know that you’re somewhere and you’re okay,
Something to ease the pain for not seeing you every Sunday.
But on the bright side, I’m glad you’ve reunited with Nanay Conching,
If anything brings me peace, it’ll be that one thing.
You’ve lived without her for over 55 years, I know that cut you deep like a knife,
You weren’t able to be buried beside her in the Philippines, but you’ve reunited in another life.
What a reunion that must’ve been: you, Nanay Conching, and your last child,
Having Auntie Merlinda meet you for the first time in Heaven is fuckin wild.
I knew that eventually that’s where you were meant to be,
They waited a long time for you, and now it’s finally you three.
I know you’re somewhere out there, rooting for your family, being our lucky charm,
I know you’ll protect me from the other side so I got your name tatted on my arm.
Just a little something to remind me every day
of the man I so very loved, and that love will never go away.
So I’ll say my final goodbye, but let me make this clear,
This goodbye isn’t easy to do, cuz you should still be here.