Month: March 2020

Shelter in Place Diaries – Giselle & Belami

Marinelle CabilloLeave a comment

Watch “Shelter in Place Diaries – Giselle & Belami” now:

UPDATE: Originally, I named this series, “Quarantine Diaries.” My cousins and I have a mass group chat on Instagram where we have been sending each other updates on COVID-19. I came across an article about Trump saying it is not necessary for New York to be under quarantine.

“Wait,” I sent to the group chat, “Haven’t we all been quarantining this whole time…”

Nope. Even though everyone, including myself, use “quarantine” and “shelter in place” interchangeably, they are two very completely different things. In a CNN article by Theresa Waldrop, she states that:

Quarantine –

This is for people who may have been exposed to the virus. They are asked to stay at home, or as in the case with people who were repatriated from China to the United States, to stay in a provided facility.

They’re required to be in quarantine for 14 days. After that, people who still don’t test positive for the virus no longer have to be in a contained environment.

Shelter in Place –

Until recently, the term “shelter in place” meant for most people an active shooter situation — stay where you until the coast is clear.

Now, millions of Americans have been ordered to shelter in place, and other areas may follow.

These people are being asked to stay at home as much as possible, meaning they shouldn’t be out unless getting food, gas or other essentials, or for medical reasons.

The U.S. has been sheltering in place, while individuals who were traveling / believe they have come in contact with someone with the illness is under quarantine for 14 days. Sometimes they quarantine in their home or at designated quarantine locations, and they are not allowed to leave for any reason until they show no symptoms of the virus. Sheltering in place is a precaution folks, who do not believe they have come in contact with someone with COVID-19, take to flatten the curve. Under the “Shelter in Place” order, people are asked to stay in the house, but can leave for necessities, medical attention, or for some exercise around the neighborhood (while still keeping 6 feet apart.) Those who are sheltering in place are not forced to stay inside, but understand that they are doing their part in slowing down the spread of COVID-19.

I felt the need to address this because many others, like myself, are using these terms interchangeably. Therefore, I changed the name of this series accordingly. The appropriate and correct name for this series is the “Shelter in Place Diaries.” I felt the need to address this because I want to be as transparent and real as possible. I was misinformed, and the right thing to do is address it, and fix it 🙂

That being said, most Americans have been sheltering in place since mid-March. All across the nation schools and businesses are closing their doors for weeks on end, leaving a lot of people out of work and out of school. This shutdown is especially hard on parents who have young children and depend on Early Childhood Educators. Giselle is one of those parents.

Giselle lives in the Los Angeles area in California and has a 3 year old son, Belami. Belami’s school is shut down until further notice due to the COVID-19 outbreak. Sheltering in place has disrupted Belami’s routine, and its forcing Giselle to get creative with keeping her son entertained. Now, Giselle has to play both roles of mom and teacher 24/7.

Giselle has a tough time explaining to Belami why there’s a sudden change in their routine. At 3 years old, Belami doesn’t understand why he can’t be at school with his friends, or at the mall, or playing at the park. As a parent, Giselle is doing her best to keep her son sheltering in place where he is safe, but also switching up his day with different learning and art activities to keep the energetic 3 year old entertained.

Many parents with little ones at home can relate to Giselle’s “Shelter in Place Diaries,” because she’s working with the materials they already have around the house. She creatively uses toys, colors, and art to stimulate Belami’s curiosities. Giselle has been using this time to organize the house, cross off things in her “to do’s” around the house, and most importantly spend time with her family and son.

Giselle is keeping her head up and staying positive amidst the COVID-19 chaos. Get a mother / parent’s perspective on sheltering in place with a child by watching Giselle and Belami’s “Shelter in Place Diaries.”

Watch it here:

Shelter in Place Diaries: Janelle

Marinelle CabilloLeave a comment

Watch:

COVID-19 is spreading throughout California at an alarming rate. With that said, Gov. Gavin Newsom has called for all wineries and bars to shut down production. Shortly after that, big businesses, small businesses, restaurants, and schools started to shut down completely to the public. Each day on the news was something different, something more extreme. Californians are advised to shelter in place effective March 16, 2020 until April 7, 2020. A full three weeks of staying home and only leaving our house for necessities like food or for medical attention.I never thought that this would happen. Thinking of the events that led up to this quarantine seems like a daze. Everything progressed so quickly and its really hard to believe that this is the situation the WORLD is currently in. I have never witnessed anything like this.I wondered how I was going to spend my 3 week quarantine. My work shut down and we are scheduled to reopen on April 6, 2020. I’m currently working from home, bored out of my mind, scared and anxious for the state of the world, and itching to go outside. I find myself on my phone a lot, scrolling through social media and taking in all the content that I wouldn’t usually be taking in since I work an 8-5 Monday to Friday.What’s crazy about COVID-19 is that its affecting everyone in the world right now. I’ve been seeing a lot of quarantine videos of people from all over the world. I feel like this is the time to document how we’re living, what we’re thinking, and how we’re dealing with this pandemic.The journalist in me got inspired, and I turned to Instagram. I posted a story asking if anyone would be interested in documenting their quarantine for about a week. An old friend from high school reached out.Janelle’s situation was really interesting to me because she lives by herself. I was going half way crazy day 3 of quarantine inside the house with my family, but being completely isolated, I don’t know if I could do it. Janelle agreed to document parts of her quarantine days and share with the public.On my Instagram feed, a lot of people I know are using this shelter in place to self reflect, work from home, do workout challenges, do fun quizzes on social media, connect with friends, read, reconnect with hobbies, etc. Janelle was no different. I really enjoyed watching her videos because I feel I everyone can relate to them. She had days where she was inspired and wanted to do all her hobbies, and then she had other days where she was like “over it, bye.” Thanks so much to Janelle for being so transparent and open! Watch her Shelter in Place Diaries here:

Corona Confusion

Marinelle CabilloLeave a comment

We touched down in San Francisco from Massachusetts on a Sunday. That’s when we learned about the death of Kobe Bryant in our Uber ride back home. The news was such a damper to our incredible weekend, and that feeling of “Back to real life,” hit. You know, when you’ve been on vacation and experience that post-vacation high, and as more days pass that high dwindles down a little more and more each day until you’re finally getting back into your everyday routine? That feeling. Except I felt that “back to real life,” feeling not even 1 hour after touching down.

Christian had to get a livescan done for his coaching side-gig, so after dropping off our luggage at his place, we made the 15 minute walk to the UPS store. We should’ve called ahead, because the livescan person wasn’t in at the time. The worker explained that it’s best to call the UPS store before showing up for a livescan, since some stores only do them from certain times in the day, or only a certain worker does them. He called another UPS location that confirmed that they’d be doing the livescan service for 1 more hour. We decided to take an Uber there to not risk our chances of being late.

When our Uber pulled up, we got in and he greeted us through his mask. He was a 30 something year old Asian guy, who was very apparent about his fears of the Coronavirus. Immediately after entering the car, he starts talking about how serious the virus is. To be completely honest, I was hearing about news of the Coronavirus being spread in China, but I wasn’t thinking too hard about it spreading or getting as big as it is today. During the wedding weekend, I heard about 3 to 4 different conversations about the Coronavirus. It raised suspicions, but I wasn’t too worried about it.

Our Uber driver’s muffled voice continued through the mask. He was curious if we were up to date on the Coronavirus spreading throughout China. We said we knew about it, but weren’t closely following it. He was spitting straight facts, I knew he was reading and staying up to date with this topic.

“Did you know that ____ (insert exact amount that I can’t remember) thousand people commuted to and from Wuhan in just 1 week? Imagine all the people that have Coronavirus and don’t even know yet,” he explained.

“It’s gonna make it’s way here, watch. Its just a matter of time, protect yourself. Get a mask. Disinfect everything, in fact, here -” he reaches over to the passenger’s seat and takes out a roll of Clorox disinfecting wipes, “Can you do me a favor and clean whatever you think people have touched before you back there?”

“Oh, yeah, for sure,” Christian said casually. We each pulled a wipe from the bottle. We both wiped down the handles of the car door, and then quickly after that the whole surface of whatever we could reach of arm length.

“Yeah, after each couple of rides, I’ve been wiping down all the areas that passengers touch, just to make sure its clean,” he went on. “Especially if I hear someone do a little *sniff* I immediately wipe the car down, I’m not trying to risk it!”

It was like we touched down back to San Francisco and it was a new world. This guy was definitely spiking my anxiety. But also to be completely honest, I thought he was overreacting a little. The virus is going to make it’s way all the way over here? Really? And if it did, its probably not as big as everyone’s making it out to be. Maaaan, was I wrong!

He gave us little fun facts like how people can be carrying the virus and be symptom free for about 2 weeks until they start feeling something. Or how the infected person can feel nothing at all. All the while, in both scenarios, the infected person is still contagious. He was upset that China was initially trying to downplay how serious Corona is, and believes that America needs to learn from China’s mistakes and tackle this virus head on once it makes it’s way to the states.

“I even got me and my girl a mask off Amazon,” he said, this being probably the only thing he said that wasn’t nerve wracking.

We finally got to our destination, and we said our goodbye’s. Our Uber driver told us to keep safe and sanitize everything. I got out of the car ready to hear Christian’s view on what just transpired. We came to the conclusion that it’s something really serious in China, but maybe this guy was jumping the gun and just being a little paranoid.

We got to the UPS store in less than 20 minutes, more than 40 minutes until the livescan service was closed. We went in, “oh sorry, the employee that does the livescan just left early.” Cool, as if we didn’t just call 15 minutes ago. We were definitely back to real life. This was late January.

January 27, 2020 – Literally the day after arriving back from Massachusetts, we were back to our same routine at work. We literally left work that previous Thursday, ate dinner, chilled a little, went to SFO, caught a red eye flight at 11:15 pm, touched down in Massachusetts around 8 AM Friday their time, explored, ate, explored some more, took a 2 hour nap, went to the rehearsal dinner and ate bomb food, got back to the haunted Airbnb, prepared for the wedding the next day, went to sleep, woke up on Saturday 5 AM west coast time, 8 AM east coast time, got my hair did, did my own makeup, went to the most beautiful wedding, danced and partied, got back to the haunted house and ate pizza with the cool roomies, some who were also part of the wedding party, slept for about 2.5 hours, and was on the next flight back to San Francisco. So we immediately jumped back into real life as if we never left.

Anyways, that Monday I felt a little weird. I could tell that I had an itch in my throat, and I was probably going to have a little cold. I figured no biggy, it’s most likely because of the sudden weather changes – Massachusetts being snowy and basically a winter wonderland, and back to San Francisco where, for the most part, it’s basically a constant 60 degrees all year round. I worked the full 8 hour shift at work and then headed over to Christian’s place.

On Mondays, blog post days, I usually stay back at Christian’s place while he works out. He still felt a little tired and jetlagged, so he decided to take a rest day from the gym. I remember blasting the heater, having it facing me as I wrote. I was so cold. And the heater didn’t help as much as I thought it would.

“Its so cold,” I kept saying.

“Are you serious?” Christian said. I looked away from my WordPress app to look at him. Beads of sweat were forming on his head.

“Yeah, I’m really cold I want it hotter.” I said. It was so hot in the room he started to sweat, his shirt looking a little sweaty too. That’s how I knew I was going to be siiiiick sick.

I pushed through with the Kobe and Gigi Bryant blog post, but honestly I felt delirious. When I finally posted it, we turned on som Netflix, and I still complained with how cold it was. He begged me not to turn on the heater. When he touched me he said, “You are burning up. Your skin is so hot.”

Shortly after that came the body aches. I seriously felt like I was dying. And I was scared. I had just passed through the airport, traveled cross country, passed through the airport again, and work at a preschool. All I could think about was our Uber driver’s predictions. After a couple days of what seemed like death, my boss finally told me to take a day off and get checked. They all thought I was being dramatic when I suspected I had Coronavirus. Had this been taking place today, they would’ve believed it as well.

On my day off I went to the doctor’s. Something I never do. When I’m sick, I just deal with it until I’m better. This was a whole different type of sick. I felt like I was on my death bed. I told them that I was passing through the airport the week before, and they checked me out. Thank the universe when she said I was showing no signs of COVID-19. What I probably had was the flu. And that flu was the worst sickness I’ve ever experienced in my life. It seemed never ending. I just started to feel just “ok” after 2 weeks. 14 days of actual torture.

I recovered around my birthday, February 15th. People were joking that I had Coronavirus, but here we are a month later and it’s no joking matter anymore. I seriously take a step back and think of all of this and how it all transpired, and its mindboggling. It seems like ever since we got back to San Francisco, the news got worse and worse each day. And here we are, on lockdown.

Since January COVID-19 is all that’s been on the news. Hearing it take over China, then Italy, then slowly creeping it’s way into other countries is something I’ve never witnessed before. Yes, in my lifetime there were the SARS, bird flu, swine flu, etc. But I’ve never seen anything like this in my lifetime. When news broke out that COVID-19 was in the US, I couldn’t believe it. The guy I thought was trippin’ a month and a half ago was right. It made it’s way. And we were not prepared.

It’s such a confusing time to be a consumer of media right now. You watch the news, go on social media, read news articles, and you don’t know which to believe. Some are saying it’s not that serious while others are locking down and stockpiling on canned goods. What do we believe?

It has always been serious to me, while others are saying its just basically the common flu, I still feel like that’s something to fear. I’ve had the flu this year and personally felt like I was slowly dying and there was no coming out of that sickness. Me, a young adult, felt like I was on my death bed. The elderly can’t handle this.

Simply saying it’s not a big deal because you as an individual would recover if you were to contract it, is selfish. Some think having a lockdown is dramatic and unnecessary, but they’re not taking into consideration all the elderly people that will get COVID-19 and not be so lucky. Soon, the hospitals will be filled and the workers in the medical field will have to determine who gets to live and who gets to die. What a horrible position to be in.

I’ve never seen anything like this in my life – stores emptied out of food, toilet paper, canned goods, and cleaning supplies. It seriously feels like we are bunkering down and getting ready for the apocalypse. What I don’t agree with is people stockpiling and being greedy. Just take what you need, there is no need for 75 rolls of toilet paper. Having people panic buy things in big loads, causes everyone else to go out and just try to get the stuff they know won’t be available anymore if they don’t act now. That’s why shelves are empty, people that really need the toilet paper and baby wipes are out, and the elderly can’t stay out in crazy long lines for hours.

It’s just crazy when I sit and think of just 2.5 weeks ago. It seemed like every single day, it gradually got worse, and now San Francisco is on lockdown until April 7th. Last week my work was still open, and planned to stay open through all of this. As the week went on, more and more information on the spread of the virus trickled in. Thursday night my boss finally called it – we were shutting down the preschool for the next 3 weeks. I never thought that was going to happen. I’m still shocked that this is all happening.

In a matter of what seemed like minutes, we got news of the Golden State Warriors planning to play their game audienceless. Then news broke out of the NBA player who had Coronavirus, and then the NBA haulted it’s season. It all happened to fast!

My friends from different parts of the US are reaching out. One pregnant in the east coast, not knowing if she should take pregnancy leave early. My friends in Boston fighting to work from home because the state hasn’t called shutdowns yet. All I can think about are those videos and messages from people in Italy telling us to shut down asap, that they were in our position just 10 days prior. All the while, the president was making a mockery of the seriousness of this issue.

My little sister came into the living room and announced that SFSU is canceling and postponing their graduation in May. This is what many of my friends feared. Everyone is afraid and confused of what’s to come. Like me, others have never witnessed something as crazy as this COVID-19 hoopla.

It’s especially confusing because where people stand on the virus is very divided. Some don’t want to comply with lockdown regulations and continue to be out in social settings. Last night, Mayor Gavin Newsome ordered that all bars, wineries, restaurants, and social settings be shut down, effective midnight tonight. I respect the actions that San Francisco is taking to keep its people healthy.

Turning on the news is pretty stressful. COVID-19 is all you hear about. You are bombarded with footage of empty shelves, long lines, death statistics. You see the stocks declining and talks of a recession. If you thought you couldn’t be more paranoid and anxious, these last 2 weeks have proved you wrong. But what should we do?

Easier said than done, but this is when we need self-care the most. Do the activities you’ve been wanting to do – start writing that book, start reading that book you’ve been putting off, continue that scrapbook, binge watch that show you always end up falling asleep to after a long workday, do things that bring you joy.

Yes, stay connected and know what’s going on in the world, but limit your intake. If its only going to make you go mad, especially being locked inside for the next 3 weeks, limit the time you will give to keeping up with the news. Its normal to be freaking out right now. This shit is crazy! But worrying about the state of the world is just going to break you.

Amidst this Corona Confusion, just know that it starts with you. You may not be in danger, but you can pass it on to someone who will be if they contract it. I’m happy that Newsome shut down all social gatherings, limiting restaurants to certain capacities, because it may hurt financially now, but the faster people comply, the faster this virus will be gone and out of our city.

I’ve never been on lockdown, so these next 3 weeks should be interesting…. stay tuned.

Marinelle, Take the Wheel

Marinelle Cabillo

I’m in the car. Most of the time, it’s with my family. Something always ends up happening, and all of a sudden, we’re in an unsafe situation. Someone else needs to take control of the car. I have to take control of the car. I need to. I can do it. I have to act now before it’s too late.

“I can drive, I can do it,” I say to my family. I can feel it in my body that I have something to prove, this is my moment of truth. I can feel my heart pounding as I reach over.

I take the wheel. I take control of the car and steer us back to safety. The adrenaline is rushing through my body, what a thrill. I knew I could do it! I grip the wheel perfectly on 10 and 2. But how am I driving right now? I haven’t drove in so long? I’m thinking these thoughts as I drive along.

“I told you I could drive,” I say over my shoulder to my shaken up family with a smile. I have that ‘I told you so’ tone in my voice.

All of a sudden, I’m in a panic. I turn the wheel left, then right, then left again. I’m freaking out, my heart is racing, I can’t control the car anymore. At this point I’m crying and screaming. I’m dodging cars, but it’s as if our car has a mind of it’s own. The cause for the sudden shift is always unknown. Without fail, I go from driving perfectly to forgetting everything and losing control. At the climax of my fear and terror, I wake up.

This is a reoccurring dream that I’ve had for years…

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been terrified of driving. This phobia stems from my mom’s fear of being behind the wheel. Growing up, my mom expressed her lack of confidence behind the wheel, how it gives her anxiety, and how she refuses to drive unless she absolutely has to. Unknowingly, she planted the seed of fear of driving in my sisters and I’s heads.

What about driving freaks me out? Knowing that I am in control of a vehicle, and just 1 wrong move on my end can result in someone else’s demise. Also, the fact that I can be an alert driver, do all things right by the book, and be safe, but can still be in an unsafe situation due to the fact that I can’t control anyone else’s driving, terrifies me. Knowing that I can be the reason why someone loses their life gives me anxiety. Yeah, pretty dark. But that’s where my mind goes.

When I turned 18, I figured I had to get over my fear of driving. I felt like everyone around me was driving, had a license, or was working towards one. I had FOMO, Fear Of Missing Out, and felt like I wasn’t making the moves I should be making at my age. So, I studied to take my permit test. Of course I wanted to pass the permit test on the first try. And I did. I was happy, but then that happiness and relief turned to dread.

I kind’ve lagged on starting to drive after receiving my permit. Until my dad brought to my attention that the permit is only good for a year, and within that year I would have to take the driving test or my permit would expire and I would have to take the test all over again. And I was not about to stand in that DMV line again. So, I mentally prepared myself to take the wheel, literally.

It was so long ago that at first, I didn’t even remember who I drove with first, my dad or a driving instructor? And then I remembered it was an instructor because my dad refused to get in a car with me until I had some type of prior lessons. I got the number of my friend’s driving instructor and booked an appointment.

I remember my driver pulling up to Skyline college where the 121 bus stop is. I did not want to drive. But I knew that I would’ve taken my permit for nothing if I just let it expire. And lord knows I needed all the time and practice I could get if I wanted to pass that driving test the first time. I got in the car and realized my driving instructor had peddles of his own in the passenger’s seat. It was a relief to know that he could control the car if I straight up had no idea what I was doing.

It may have been because of that “student driver” sticker on the back of the instructor’s car, or maybe pure luck, but nobody honked at me that day. My breaks were hard, I was going slower than I should’ve been, and don’t even get me started on switching lanes. It was all a blurr. But I did what I had to do in that 1 hour session. My hands were sweaty, I hung on to the wheel for dear life, I was sweaty and anxious, and I wondered how people drive with music on!

After a couple of lessons with the instructor, my dad was finally confident to get in a car with me. He let me drive to school, to work, on the freeway, in neighborhoods, and around the area where my driving test was going to be. I was pretty good at it, but I was stiff and rigid. Everything had to be a particular way when I drove – no music, had to have certain shoes on, windows up even though I was sweating, hair in a half clip so no hair got in my face. If any of those factors were off, I didn’t feel confident. With time though, I put on music, but oh so slightly above a whisper. I felt myself getting confident with driving.

“You control the car, you tell it what to do,” my dad would tell me when I would freak out about driving.

I booked my driving test literally a couple days before my permit expired. I wanted to make sure I had all the practice, was prepared, and would pass. But by waiting so close to the date, I didn’t think of what would happen if I didn’t pass and had to reschedule. I didn’t think about that. I had to pass. That would be so embarrassing if I didn’t. My older sister passed the test on the first try, so if I didn’t, I wouldn’t hear the end of it from my parents.

My dad made me take my driving test in San Mateo because it was “easier” than Daly City. Which I totally believe because the roads were so much more wider! I remember asking my friends what they’re going to test me on, what questions they asked, what mistakes they made that I could avoid. As I waited in the driving line for my test, I saw a truck infront of me starting their test. They were way too close, ended up turning onto the curb, in a matter of 2 minute, they circled the block and came back. Yooooo. Now I was scared. What if I mess up like that?

My instructor came in the car. I passed all the questions and proceeded with the driving portion of the test. When I successfully made it out of the DMV lot I was relieved. Everything was going good. I felt confident and I made sure to make my motions dramatic and prolonged. It was going great until I got to a 4 way stop. This guy on foot was close to the curb and motioned for me to go. Of course, I motioned for him to cross the street. He refused and insisted I go. I knew that if I didn’t let him cross, I would fail the test. But here we were playing the game of “go! No you go! No you!” Bruh, just cross the street 😫. After what seemed like 1 whole minute, he finally crossed. I knew I passed.

We pulled up to the DMV and the last task was to park. I pulled in, put the car in park, and turned off the car. My instructor let me know that I passed. I was so excited! More so relieved that I didn’t have to take anything over again. I got out of the car and did what I had to do inside. When I came out, my dad was in the car. I looked at what a great job I did parking.

“Dang, I parked hella good!” I told my dad when I got inside.

“What are you talking about?” He laughed, “I had to fix it and bring it in because the butt was out.”

Womp. I was proud anyways. And that was literally the last time I drove a car. I was 19. I’m now 25. Why, you ask? Once I got my license, that meant that I would have to have insurance. My parents didn’t want the burden of a young new driver on their insurance, and I didn’t have a car to drive anyways. I was just happy that I got it out of the way and that I had a license just to say I had it.

I was less scared or driving at the end of all of this. That was until one of my best friends told me about her reading with a psychic. She started from the top of her reading, telling me what the psychic said about her love life, her future, her family. She went into detail and regurgitated everything the psycic told her.

“But then she told me one of my friends is going to get into a car accident with an older male,” my friend said. We went silent on the phone.

“Wait, why do I feel like I’m that friend….” I said.

“Dude, I thought the same thing!”

I was highly convinced that that “friend” was me. I was scared that I would be driving with my dad and I would mess up and get us into a car accident. I refused to drive, all the fear came back again. I was not going to put my life or my dad’s life in danger. I was genuinely scared.

I did end up getting in a car accident with an older male. Except I wasn’t the one driving, and it wasn’t my dad. I was with my cousins, and my cousin was driving the car when a girl “eating soup” while driving rammed us from behind. Elbows flying, necks are jerking, but we were all fine.

That tripped me out for a long time. Because 1. I did get in a car accident, the older male was my cousin who was driving, and 2. I was glad that I wasn’t the driver. It made me realize that I was really out here about to never drive in my life because of what a person told my friend. Its trippy because it actually happened, but what if it didn’t? I would’ve been scared for what? So much time has passed since the last time I’ve driven. Literally 6 years. I feel like I need to relearn how to drive again.

But I’ve had those reoccurring dreams for years, even before I stared driving. For the longest time, I didn’t know how to feel because I believed I was possibly foreshadowing my own death. And for the longest that played into my fear of driving. And I thought that for a while, until I started telling people about these dreams.

I’ve had a fascination with my dreams and dreams in general. I always look for deeper meaning, and look for the lessons or signs in them. I know there’s a lot of people that think dreams are just dreams, but I’m not one of those people. I dissect my dreams and want to know the answer to why I dream of the things I dream about. Back in the day my older sister had a dream book dictionary that interpreted the different scenarios and things in your dreams. From animals, to locations, to things, feelings, etc. Everything had an underlying meaning. That book is lost now, but just this passed Christmas I bought my sisters each a dream book that went more in depth with dissecting dreams.

Control. Is what everyone says my dream is about. Feeling like I have no control of my life, not being confident in my abilities, and the list goes on. I also noticed that in the many different versions of this dream, I’m always trying to prove I can drive. Sometimes I drive successfully, and sometimes I’m a mess from the moment I lay hands on the wheel. The conclusion is always the same though, I end up losing control of the car, regardless how well I was driving.

The people inside the car vary too, but most of the time it’s always my mom, dad, and sisters. Sometimes it’ll just be my sisters, or a variety of mixing and matching those 4 family members. I always want to prove to my family that I can do it. And I guess that remains true in real life. I want to prove I can be successful, but I’m afraid to be moded and lose control and have that success turn to failure.

I thought maybe it’s just my unconscious expressing my fears in life. Driving being one of them. I feel like my dreams are shedding light on what I need confidence in, or what I need to confront head on to not be afraid anymore. This has been a dream that has haunted me for a long time. Because each time it feels so real and vivid. It bring to light my flaws and insecurities. But I got to remember that I am in control of my own life. And if these dreams are really telling me that I’m afraid to take the wheel in my own life, then I need to stop being scared. Not having control is scary. Not knowing what path you’re going on is scary. Not knowing if you’ll be successful or not is scary. I guess this is what haunts me.

Do you have reoccurring dreams? What do you think they mean?

(Internal) Land of the Snakes

Marinelle Cabillo

“Now who more thorough than me? I paint a picture of my pain for the world to see.” – J.Cole (Land of the Snakes)

I named this post “(Internal) Land of Snakes,” because the quote above is from J.Cole’s Land of the Snakes. And I realized that dark place where insecurities will take you is where all my snakes roam. My insecurities that hurt me, want to poison my mind, and will pop up when I least expect it.

A while back, I shared my weight gain journey and how I found peace within the body positive community. Body image and being confident has always been something I’ve struggled with. And I want to make myself clear: it is still something I struggle with. It took years to unlearn all the toxic ways of thinking when it came to body image, self-love, food, and my body dysmorphia. I am in such a better place, and I’ve learned how to pull myself out of that dark space when I find myself getting insecure. I’ve had to re-train my brain to not think so negatively about my own appearance and body. I try to avoid my internal dark place, my land of Snakes. The snakes being my own thoughts, insecurities, ego.

But of course, the path to self-love is a life long journey. I guess I can only speak for myself, but I doubt I’ll ever find 100% enlightenment where no outside or inside force can break me down. Don’t get me wrong, my growth and outlook on body image has improved tremendously. For the most part, I have the body positive mindset 80% of the time. But I do have my days. Since I’ve dropped that blog post about my weight gain journey and my body positive experience, a lot of people have reached out to me. I’m glad I could share my story and have people relate to it, feel inspired, and heal. I appreciate every single person that has reached out to me since then regarding this topic of self-love.

But like I said, I want to make myself clear: I still struggle. I definitely have my days. What’s different though, is how I maneuver my way out of going down that black hole. It made me happy to know that I was inspiring people to start/continue their journey to body positivity/ body acceptance. People would hit me up saying how brave I am, and how they wish they could be more like me. It was a nice feeling, but it also made me feel some type of way. I didn’t want people to think that I’m body positive all the time, because I’m not. I still get insecure. I still beat myself up over things. I still struggle. I didn’t want to be treated as a role model for being plus sized and proud 100% of the time, as if I’m enlightened and shielded from self body shaming. Because it’s not like that. The point of sharing my life and insecurities with the world is to reach someone – anyone – and know that it’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to go back and forth with your self-love somedays. So, I’ve decided to share this story…

I met Madison in 2016 at Skyline College when we were partnered up for a class assignment. It was my last semester before transfering to SF State. I was so excited. We were in an advanced journalism class. By “class” I literally mean “group” because there were literally 3 of us, myself and Madison included. We didn’t have enough people to make up an official “class,” so we were the 3 advanced journalism students that did something different from the rest of the class. The 3 M’s, Madison, Marinelle, and Martin. We struggled together, we complained together, we were confused together ( mostly Martin and I, Madison always knew what she was doing.) Anyways, it was through that class that I met a friend for life.

We met in January 2016, and by June 2016 she was moving cross country from the Bay Area to Boston, Massachusetts. This, though, was all part of her plan. She went to Skyline so she could transfer to Boston to get her Master’s in journalism. She regaled me with all of her stories. Moving from state to state, being from Idaho, hating the Bay Area (the disrespect to this Bay Area Native), and everything in between. She was 23 at the time, me just turning 21. “Damn, this girl has lived.” I would think to myself.

We got really close, even though it was all of what, 6 months? But she let me into her and her long-term boyfriend’s lives, and I let them into mine. They would have hangouts at their house and they would throw the best little parties. From charades, to cake, to crying while eating cake, to brunch, to hot cheetos, to someone dancing with fire, to the home owner passing out in the bathroom and possibly being concussed… we’ve had our fair share of awesome memories. So 3-ish years later, towards the second half of 2019, when she told me she was planning to propose to Bren, I was elated.

Madison asked Bren to marry her in September 2019. She let me in on all her details and plans, from how she was going to propose, to all the intricate ideas she had for wedding planning. They planned to have the wedding in January. They had just a little over 3 months to plan every detail of their special wedding day. I seriously don’t know how they did it, but they pulled off one of the best weddings I’ve ever been to. Moving along…

Towards the end of September, Madison sent me an Instagram photo. I opened it. They were pictures of her laptop screen. She was on a website for bridesmaid dresses, and all the options were velvet. She sent me pictures of the different styles of velvet maroon dresses.

“How beautiful would you look standing next to me in this color dress?!” Her colorful text said.

And that’s how she asked me to be her bridesmaid. She later asked in a more official way, but she couldn’t contain the secret any longer, especially since she knew it was hard for me to take time off of work. I was so excited, especially since I’ve never been a bridesmaid before. This trip was going to be one for the books – a wedding in Massachusetts during the winter, being a bridesmaid, and it’s a little mini vacation.

At the time, January felt so far away. Madison was letting all her bridesmaids pick our own style dress, color, length, etc. She left it completely up to us, with one request : it has to be velvet. I thought “no problem,” and didn’t really put too much pressure to find a dress. I knew she high-key wanted me in maroon, so I stuck with it. I lagged on getting the dress in hopes I would find something better, or wait for it to go on sale. The pressures of wanting to look good at the wedding were slowly creeping up on me, but I kept my insecurities at bay. That was a whole 3 ish 4 ish months from now, that’s future Marinelle’s problem.

I had my eyes on 2 dresses. I couldn’t seem to pick one. So, I waited. I was stalking these dresses religiously for weeks. Black Friday was just around the corner, so I figured I’d wait and get a good deal. So that’s exactly what I did.

“If they’re ridiculously on sale, I might even buy both to see how they both fit, ” I thought to myself.

Alas, Black Friday was upon us. I rushed to the website on my phone ASAP. My first choice dress – missing from the website completely. “No waaaayyyy, whatever,” at this point my heart is racing. I moved on to dress option #2. Large and X-Large, out of stock. I’m in panic mode. This whole time I thought finding a maroon velvet dress was a piece of cake, only to find out my options were limited. I waited until Cyber Monday. Nothing. Never restocked the second choice dress, and the first dress never came back. I panicked and bought a dress from Macy’s almost twice the price. I was running out of time, it was almost December. Having 1 velvet dress is better than no velvet dress, even if I wasn’t inlove with it. But, I would still be on the lookout for those 2 dresses.

Something in my gut (literally) was telling me this expensive dress was not going to be it. I dreaded getting it in the mail because I knew it was just going to make me feel like shit about my body. It finally arrived, and I eagerly put it on to prove myself right. Yooooo. This. Was. Not. It. My thighs were way too thick for the slit that went down the middle of the dress. To me, I looked foolish. This dress was not helping me in any way, didn’t flatter my body, hugged my gut to the point you could see my belly button, and barely zipped up. There was no saving this dress. It was a no for me, dawg.

If I wasn’t panicking before, I sure as hell was now. It was probably a week or 2 into December already, and I had nothing. As if the universe heard me, my second dress choice restocked in my size. Without thinking twice, I bought it. This had to be the one. I literally had no other choice. If I didn’t like this dress, I would be cutting it close ordering another right after. The dress arrived in the mail on Christmas Eve, right before my family and I were about to leave the house for our family gathering at my aunt’s. But I was too curious, I ripped the packaging open and held it out in front of me arm length. I held the dress by the straps, the velvet soft between my fingers. I haven’t wore velvet in a minute. It looked stretchy, and it definitely looked more comfortable than the Macy’s dress. I liked that there was no zipper, no buttons, nothing to restrict my breathing. It was stretchy, and made to hug my curves without suffocating me. I was relieved…. for the moment. I didn’t get to try it on because we had to go. I threw it on the livingroom couch, knowing that would be the first thing I tend to when we got back.

We got back home well after midnight. My family throws down for parties, so you already know I was fed when I came back home. We eat until it’s food colma. And then you make a little more room just to gorge yourself again. This is nothing new to Filipinos at parties. So this was probably the worst time to try on a form fitting velvet dress, right after Christmas Eve dinner.

Merry Christmas to me, I looked pregnant as fuck in this dress. Not even kidding, if I had put my hand over my bellybutton and turned to the side and took pictures, it would’ve looked like my maternity shoot. I was so sad. If I were to buy another dress I’d have to expedite it and pay extra, and that wouldn’t even guarantee me liking it. And truth be told, this dress and the one out of stock were my best bets. I had to just deal with it. I was a month out from the wedding.

“Maybe if I try it on tomorrow right when I wake up on an empty stomach, it’ll look better,” I thought.

Yeah, no. Still looked pregnant. I felt pretty bad about myself. I started getting nervous thinking about how I was going to stand up there and have everyone see me as the fat bridesmaid. I thought of how I’d keep my hair down as a distraction from my gut and arms. I felt fat, I felt unhappy, I felt like my appearance would get in the way of me enjoying myself at the wedding.

Had this been a couple years ago, I probably would’ve dwelled on this, and my solution would probably be unhealthy. It would probably consist of a crash diet, restrictions, and hating myself into losing a couple of pounds before the wedding. That was how the old me would’ve reacted. Me now, I knew I had to get over it. Being sad over my appearance wasn’t going to help me. It was either I act, or I do nothing. I decided to act on my insecurities, the healthy way.

I was on winter break at work for 2 weeks, so I hit the gym almost every day. I knew I couldn’t lose my gut in less than a month. It was impossible if I wanted to do it the right way. So instead, I ate healthier, but didn’t restrict myself. If I wanted hot cheetos, I was going to eat hot cheetos. I wasn’t going to rob my taste buds of things I like just for the sake of appearance. I figured if my gut is gonna hang out regardless, I might as well have a fat ass to match. So I squatted and did legs almost every single time I was at the gym.

I don’t know if there was an actual difference the month I was working out consistently, but there was a difference in my mood. I felt better, not only about myself but mentally and physically as well. I was still insecure about how I would look during the wedding, but the insecurities were quieter now. I literally just stopped every negative thought that came to mind mid thought. I realized bashing on myself has no purpose. It won’t fix anything, it won’t make me feel good in the end, it won’t do anything except make me feel like shit, so why entertain it?

Around this time, I found myself being more and more inspired by body positive advocates on social media. Their content spoke louder to me because I was going through it. This little hiccup reminded me of everything I stand for, and why I chose the body positive mindset and approach.

At one point, someone suggested maybe I should wear a girdle. I said this was the body I have and this is the body that Madison will get as a bridesmaid. That comment would’ve offended me once upon a time, but instead, it slapped some sense into me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t knock anyone who wears girdles. Do you. Its just not my cup of tea. To me personally, if I’m promoting self-love and being real, I feel like a hypocrite wearing something that will alter my appearance.

I really had to give myself a pep-talk at one point and remind myself that beauty doesn’t define me. The size of my gut doesn’t matter. My arms will jiggle and that’s okay. But I refused to suck in my gut in pictures, I refused hide behind the bouquet of flowers all night, and I refused to keep my jacket on throughout the whole event because I was insecure about my body. Especially living in the Bay Area, I’m covered up pretty much 95% of the year, so when it’s time to wear dressy things and clothes that accentuates my body, I do feel insecure.

Weddings make everyone a little appearance crazy, even when it’s not even your wedding! We all want to look good, and wear things that flatter our body types. You can dress your body type as best as you can, but your body is your body. We put so much pressure on ourselves to look a certain way, and if the expectations are not met, you’re stuck there feeling depressed and ugly. But who benefits from that? Definitely not you. Sometimes you have to pull yourself out of that dark hole. Sometimes you need to be your own hype-woman.

Madison asked me what hairstyle I planned on getting since she hired hair and makeup people for the day of the wedding. I asked what she wanted since it was her wedding. At this point I was feeling back to my body posi self. She suggested hair up. If this had been a couple weeks prior, I probably would’ve said hair down no questions asked so I could hide behind it. But I thought an up-do was a great idea. I’ve never had my hair professionally done, and I’m rarely seen with my hair up. It’s about time I bust out of my comfort zone.

The day of the wedding went by smoothly. I did my own makeup because I don’t trust anyone with my eyebrows. But getting my hair done was so cool, I wish I had someone to do my hair every morning. When it was finally time to dress up, I put on my dress and wasn’t worried about my gut, or arms, or anything really. I was just so excited to be there and see one of my best friends marry her best friend. I didn’t hide behind the bouquet, I didn’t suck in my tummy for pictures, I didn’t post a certain way to look slimmer. And it felt so liberating to have no worries. I looked around at all the others in the bridal party and everyone looked stunning. Most of us were all strangers before meeting up in New York for Madison’s bachelorette party. Some we didn’t even meet until the rehearsal dinner. But everyone was genuinely supporting and hyping up one another. We all bonded over being a part of Madison and Bren’s bridal party, and I must say, it felt good to meet all the many friends who were there throughout the married couples lives.

If I had stressed over my insecurities the whole time, I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself the way I did. I would just be too concerned with being insecure and nitpicking at myself, when honestly, nobody even really cares. I’m glad I got to pull myself out of my own head right in time for the wedding. Because when the time came, I didn’t care about my stomach, my arms, the pimple on my cheek that has literally been on my face for over a month, I was too busy living in the moment and enjoying myself. And when we let insecurities get in the way of that, you miss out on a lot of life.

I just wanted to share this story because everyone has their moments. The body positive advocate still feels insecure from time to time, and that’s okay. It’s nice to share successes, but it’s also okay to share your setbacks. Madison shared her wedding album with all of us and I found this picture of me getting my hair done. I love how you can see my perfectly imperfect tummy in the picture. I stressed about my “booty-do (when your stomach sticks out more than your booty-do)” for the longest, and here she was making her appearance in this velvet dress. I love this picture. This is the real me, body relaxed, not posed at all, tummy hangin’ out.