Author: Marinelle Cabillo

The Journey Back To Me

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Who am I?

Had you asked me this 6 months ago,

I would’ve answered it very confidently.

It was a question I thought I had figured out.

And at such a young age?

It was truly my biggest flex.

I thought I knew myself to the core,

and that may have been true at the time.

It’s true that we learn more about ourselves

when our values and beliefs are tested.

I thought I had solved all of life’s questions,

but ya girl couldn’t have been more wrong.

I’ve learned that our answers to different

questions will vary throughout our lives.

So now, I’m at a crossroads once again,

trying to find the answers to all of these questions:

What makes me angry? And how do I deal with anger?

What brings me happiness? And how do I express it?

What are my passions and dreams? And how will I achieve them?

What do I really believe in? And why?

What are my deal breakers? And why are they deal breakers?

What is really important to me in this life? And do I show it?

What will I not compromise on? And why are they so important to me?

What is my purpose in life? And will I ever know?

What makes me, me? And am I happy with who I am?

But more importantly…

Who am I when I’m completely alone?

It’s the journey back to me.

A journey I knew I had to take,

but was too scared to start.

I’ve veered off track too many times,

but I’m more than ready now.

However, I don’t know where the actual destination is.

Maybe I have never been there before.

In these 28 years of life, I have trekked on.

The detours of life will always change,

but the goal will always be the same:

Who am I? The real me.

That’s a question we have to answer for the rest of our lives.

And the answer is forever changing.

The journey back to me is a little confusing,

but damn is it rewarding.

There is no end destination.

I’ve missed me. But I’m a new me.

I excited to meet this version of her.

Always Winning

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One door closes, a thousand more open.

The end of something means the

beginning of so many other possibilities.

Regardless of any and all circumstances,

I am always winning.

I’m in competition with no one and nothing.

It is and always will be: Me vs. Me.

And either way, I am always the winner.

There will be losses and disappointments,

but I’ve learned that the universe has

a funny way of phasing out what’s not for you.

You can’t lose at your own journey.

You are always winning.

Remind Me

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Note to self when I don’t feel like myself:

Bring me back down to Earth,

I’m in my head again.

Remind me to speak kindly to myself.

Remind me of my values.

Remind me that I am worthy.

Remind me of my heart of gold.

Remind me to go easy on myself.

Remind me that I can’t change the past,

so I should just focus on becoming a better me.

Remind me that I’m so much more than my outward appearance.

Remind me of all the things that make me, me.

Remind me that this disoriented feeling is temporary.

Remind me who the fuck I am when I’m lost in my head.

Ovals To Circles

Marinelle Cabillo2 Comments

I spent a good chunk of time

trying to turn an oval into a circle.

It was close enough, but not quite the perfect fit.

Still, I tried to force it to be a circle.

Even though deep down I knew the difference.

I tirelessly worked to get the oval

to resemble a circle the best I could.

It was like having an empty circle puzzle piece,

but I was trying to jam that oval piece in its place.

No matter what angle I turned or flipped it,

I knew it would never fit.

I had to accept that it was an oval all along.

Lesson learned: No matter how hard you try –

You can’t force things into being something they’re not.

Stop trying to turn ovals into circles.

False Mirrors

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You claimed to be my mirror –

forced me to see who I “really am.”

You pointed out my flaws,

all of my shortcomings,

and anything that you didn’t like.

Nothing about me ever got passed you, did it?

But your mirror is fogged –

clouded by your false judgements of me.

You forced the mirror to my face,

and screamed at me to see myself the way you do.

But I don’t. I won’t. And I never will.

For I know my heart is as pure as they come.

Now I know, the mirror you were forcing onto me,

is really just a reflection of yourself.

Fuck your false mirrors.

I can see myself clearly now.

Caterpillar Era

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I’ve always been intrigued by the caterpillar.

What a beautiful part of nature –

to see a living thing transform from 1 thing to another.

But the caterpillar literally has to die

before it can turn into a butterfly.

And nobody thinks twice about the process.

In fact, the rest of nature expects it.

Nobody wonders if the caterpillar was ready.

Nobody mourns the creature that it once was.

Nobody questions the evolution of the caterpillar.

Everybody just celebrates the end result –

when a beautiful butterfly emerges from the cocoon.

But I’m more intrigued by the metamorphosis –

the caterpillar doesn’t question the process.

It doesn’t try to resist its evolution,

or question what will happen in the end.

They go with their natural clock.

Unaware that with time, isolation, and fate,

it will evolve into something else entirely.

Daydreamz

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When I was little, I would dream of the day I found my person.

The person that knows me better than I know myself.

The person that loves me regardless of my shortcomings.

The person that would be there for me through the good and bad.

The person that would accept me for me, flaws and all.

The person that would essentially complete me.

Can you believe that? Me – a hopeless romantic.

But she’s shelled with insecurities and past traumas,

making it hard for her to open up easily.

But nonetheless, a romantic through and through.

All my life I’ve dreamt of the perfect man to do life with.

And though I know I still want all of that in a partner, the desire has shifted.

Shifted to make sure I’m all of those things for myself.

I know myself better than anyone else.

I love myself regardless of my shortcomings.

I am confident in my choices, and can be my own peace when times get hard.

I accept all parts of me, flaws and all.

I complete myself.

Can you believe that? Me – still a hopeless romantic.

I am becoming everything I’ve ever dreamed of.

Yes, I’ve Changed

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“You’ve changed.”

I know, and I’m glad.

What a shame it would be to remain the same.

To some, my growth can be seen as negative,

but I beg to differ.

The adjustments I’m making is growth.

The change you see is healing.

The difference in my mood is peace.

And I wear all of them well.

My progress is only offensive to those

who refuse to grow with me.

Now, I force nothing.

You call it a shame,

I call it an internal evolution.

You say I’ve changed,

and I say, “Thank you.”

Walking Contradiction

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I am a walking contradiction.

I crave adventure and new experiences,

but I’m annoyingly resistant to change.

To the public, I’m a social butterfly,

but I prefer small intimate gatherings instead.

I’m so open when I write,

but I still struggle to verbally communicate.

I encourage my loved ones to reach out if they need help,

but my pride gets in the way when it’s my turn.

I’m so ready for a fresh start,

but I mourn the life I’m leaving behind.

I’m excited for what’s to come,

but I’m scared of the unknown.

I am a walking contradiction, and it used to bother me.

But I know that two feelings can co-exist at the same time.

I may be a walking contradiction,

but I allow myself to feel both conflicting emotions openly.

I give myself grace in these realizations,

But… — There is no “but.”

I’m a walking contradiction, and that is perfectly fine.

Oh, To Fall Apart!

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Ironically, we try everything in our power to not fall apart.

We avoid the urge to crumble, and dread having to restart.

But what a liberating feeling it is to just be!

To just take life as it is and be emotionally free.

Free to fall apart if that’s what healing calls for.

Maybe it’s what the heart needs, have you ever thought of it like that before?

So much resistance to falling apart, we’re taught to just be strong.

You can keep the act up for some time, but honestly, not for long.

At one point the emotional burden will get too much to conceal,

then you’ll have no choice but to really show how you feel.

Ohhh, to fall apart and not feel shame!

I refuse to live my life playing emotional mind games.

The real shame is we live in a society that flaunts blocking what we feel –

They will crucify you if you ever show emotions that are real.

It’s actually better to let yourself fall apart when it is due.

Don’t hold back, feel what you feel, you’ll always find a way to get through.

Oh, how I’ve learned to fall apart peacefully and not resist…

The liberty to feel what I feel and just simply exist!